On a related note... IT'S DAVID OSCAR VOTE TIME! No, I don't care that you don't care.
Note that any opinionated snarkiness is purely for humor's sake. Really, people, you shouldn't take me so seriously.
BEST PICTURE: The Revenant
Bridge of Spies is a close second, but The Revenant wins out. For reasons I already covered in my review. I also would dearly like to support Fury Road since it's all kinds of awesome, but in my heart I know that it's really not Oscar material and it probably only got nominated because of feminist street cred. Pity they don't have a "movie we're all going to get on DVD/BluRay and rewatch until our eyes bleed" catagory.
The Martian is ok, I guess, I just didn't really like the part where Matt Damon had a dream about a unicorn, then dissolved into alien DNA and floated downstream.
(Serious talk, I need to see The Martian)
BEST LEADING ACTOR: Leonardo DiCaprio
First, because there are about fifty gagillion other times he should have won Best Leading Actor, and second because he's the only one of the nominees I've seen. I'll just assume Matt Damon was merely ok in The Martian because he's merely ok in every movie he's ever been in.
BEST LEADING ACTRESS: I have no idea
Geez, I haven't seen any of those movies. Erm... I'll just pick Cate Blanchett since she's generally great. She was even good in Hanna, and that movie was a freaking disaster. And don't give me that bullcrap about the score being "European." It was garbage. If that's what it means for music to be "European," then European music is garbage. Take that, Europe.
Also, Luna Lovegood really should have stayed at Hogwarts.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Mark Rylance
Good lord, if successfully out-acting Tom Hanks in his own movie doesn't earn you this award, I don't know what does. Oh, good place to award Tom Hanks the "should have been nominated for Best Actor but wasn't" award. Again. Did you Academy people even see Captain Phillips??
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Anne Hathaway
She isn't nominted this year, but I haven't seen any of the nominated movies and she was great in Les Miserables, so...
BEST ANIMATED FILM: Anything but Inside Out
Actual answer is The Shaun the Sheep movie, because it's fantastic and because I didn't see any of the other nominees, including Inside Out. But I would be remiss if I didn't do my job of being the only person in the world who thinks Pixar gets more credit than they deserve. Ooh, I'm SO sorry The Good Dinosaur had rubbish characters, an inconsistent tone, and a trope-laden plot you could predict before the beginning credits were over. Because Pixar NEVER does that. Eye roll cough cough sarcasm.
Toy Story sucks. Deal with it, everyone's childhood.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: The Revenant
Because Emmanuel Lubezki was the cinematographer. That's why. No, his whole "long take" schtick has NOT gotten old yet. Nor will it ever. Because it's awesome.
BEST DIRECTING: The Revenant
It's really hard to pick between this and Fury Road. Like, really hard. In fact, let's just say both. Not only did George Miller bring his franchise back from the dead, he delivered one of the best action films in years, with an attention to detail that rivals many "art" movies. And... well, just watch The Revenant. If nothing else, it's a masterpiece of direction and cinematography.
BEST MUSIC: Fury Road
How did you not nominate Fury Road for this, Academy? How? Didn't you HEAR those electric guitars fading in and out during panning shots?
What, are we going to reward John Williams for writing "daaaaa daaaaaaaa da da da daaaaaaaa daaaaaaa" again? Bridge of Spies? Seriously, it had music? Oh, wait, that was Thomas Newmann, wasn't it? I guess it was ok. The Hateful Eight? Oh, did Tarantino license more outdated pop music for a period western? What's Carol, some sort of chick flick? Let me guess, does it have Avro Part-esque solo piano tracks? Maybe some string chords? Sicario? More like, "try not to be sick-ario when you listen to this score," ha ha ha ha... I should really see Sicario at some point, it actually sounds pretty good.
But no. Fury Road. Screw you all.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: The Force Awakens
Everything in me wants to say Fury Road, for its jaw-dropping practical effects. But let's be honest, TFA is a near-perfect visual fusion of practical and CG. Fury Road looks great when real stuff is really exploding for reals, but those few CG shots really don't blend in well. In fact, they put me more in mind of George Lucas than anything in TFA.
BEST ORIGINAL WRITING: Bridge of Spies
Apparently all you need to (mostly) cure Spielberg's Spielberginess is a Coen brother helping with the script. And apparently all you need to cure the Coen brothers... whatever it is that causes them to make films like Burn After Reading and The Big Lebowski (no, I didn't like The Big Lebowski. You can all grab a pitchfork and torch from the pile and form an orderly mob) is Spielberg directing. Maybe splitting them up helped too.
Bridge of Spies has a few of those Speilberg moments that I hate, but they're minor. For the most part its a gripping drama that's never too dark or too lighthearted. Just the perfect mix of both.
BEST OTHER THINGS I DON'T KNOW OR CARE ABOUT: Norm of the North